T wo women at the mall — one says: “My mother-in-law is an angel.” The other says: “You're lucky. Mine is still alive.”
The “Monster-in-law” and “suffering daughter-in-law” tales were probably true once, but isn't it time TV serial writers buried them for good?
One suspects the prickly mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationship has been carefully nourished by script-writers. Think of it; stereotyping sells — the mother-in-law is manipulative, bossy, greedy and territorial; every word she utters is a poisoned barb; the mere shadow of the daughter-in-law brings out the devil in her; the helpless daughter-in-law, the martyr, puts up with the 24 X 7 abuse. Phew!
Mutual space
Check reality. Mothers-in-law today ask for space, and do not play boss. And, the social-networking, career-driven daughters-in-law DIL too seem to understand their worth, especially when they plan a family. “We don't have time to discuss our relationship, so we assume we love each other,” says recently-wed Mridula. Also, when the son chooses his girl, it comes down to ‘gain a daughter or lose the son'.
In the mother-in-law-daughter-in-law equation, the latter, perhaps, is the powerful one today. Since its inception last September, the All India Mother-in-Law Protection Forum (AIMPF), has seen over 500 mothers-in-law complaining of abuse by the daughter-in-law.
“My phone rings all the time,” says Neena Dhulia, the Forum co-ordinator, who says “the TV charade” is the not the only one to show a mother-in-law as bad. “Mothers paint mothers-in-law as a fiend, to get girls to fall in line. Haven't you heard them say: ‘I'm tolerating this (habits), but your mother-in-law won't'? Our girls are programmed to hate the mother-in-law.” The girl's relationship with in-laws is bound to be awkward in the beginning, but, why make a mountain of it?
And, there are 15 laws to protect the daughter-in-law, and none to protect the mother-in-law, says Neena.
Groans Rukmini Natarajan: “Sure, it's my responsibility to accept the girl who shares my son's life. But, whatever I say, even small-talk to make friends, is misunderstood. I have to weigh my words all the time. So, I just keep mum.”
However, Suman Mahesh, married for 10 years, says: “This delicate skein of a relationship can be woven into a strong fabric of family life. When I first met my husband in graduate school, I had little clue as to what his family might be like. His mom pretty much dissolved any pre-conceived notions I had of her. She's enthusiastic, energetic, and living-life-to-the-hilt, breaking-the-norm kind of a person. I have her to thank for my husband's progressive leanings. Over time, tethers such as children, and shared interests in travel, feminism and environmental concerns forged a permanent bond.”
So dear soap writers, tone down the mother-in-law thing before you lose the bulk of your audience.
Think of her as working with her son's wife to make him a better person. That seems more realistic!
SHE WANTS TO BE…
Loved and respected
Included and taken into confidence
Considered for fun activities
